Poppin'; September 8 2019

I’ve been off my medication for approximately five days. I’m on pain management pills, anti-anxiety meds, and anti-psychotics. I could get into the nitty gritty of what they’re supposed to be treating, but that’s not as interesting as what they actually do. More accurately, what happens when they’re not doing anything.

Now, obviously, I’m in withdrawal, so take the current state I’m in with a grain of salt. If I stay off my medications long enough, the more extreme symptoms will level out. But I thought I’d let y’all know how bad things can get.

Without my Gapabentin (which manages my pain) I:

- have had a migraine that lasted from the time I woke up to the following morning, rendering me incapable of taking care of my child or myself.

- cannot sit for more than five minutes without crippling pain

- cannot stand for more than five minutes without crippling pain

- go to bed with a headache every night

Without my Zoloft (which controls my anxiety) I:

- am easily irritated and have been living in a state of constant anger

- managed to think myself into a panic attack on multiple occasions

- am overwhelmed the moment I have more than one task on my plate

Without my Abilify (which helps my hallucinations/dissociative episodes) I:

- was up all night to check my toddler’s breathing, convinced that she had died in her sleep even as I felt her heart beating

- can’t keep track of which memories really happened

- experience more frequent flashbacks that confuse me about the year and place I’m in

- keep seeing hallucinatory roaches, mould, or other unpleasant stuff in my food, clothing, etc.

Notably, I have not lashed out, attacked, or murdered anyone. How about that. But that’s not what this post is about.

That mentality that people aren’t ‘themselves’ when they’re on meds hasn’t gone away. None of the above stuff has changed who I am on any level. I’m just the version of me that has a difficult time coping and doing what needs to be done.

Just because your brain on drugs is different than mine doesn’t need all drugs are bad.

Now it’s story time!

I didn’t know how to answer him. I didn’t know what I wanted – what I needed from him. I must have looked as baffled as I looked, because Leander started to laugh. Head bowed and shoulders shaking, he tried to suppress it and failed.

“I’m sorry,” he spoke through snickers. “This is just – I realized how absurd this must be, to you? You’ve known more about the goddesses your entire life. The only people you probably talk to on a regular basis are literally divine.”

“Ah... Yes.” I continued to stare at him in bemusement.

“You don’t have to answer me right away. You don’t have to answer me at all, if you don’t want to. If you’d like, I’ll just... be here,” Leander offered.

And for what turned out to be the rest of his life, that held true.