Worth; February 9 2020

My blog image this week is of some graffiti I saw outside a chain clothing store. You’re right, graffiti. You’re absolutely right.

Because I know everyone is just dying for updates, I thought I’d let everybody know what’s happening in my relationship. If you’ve read previous blog posts, you know that my partner of 10+ years broke things off, essentially for someone else. If I get into semantics, it’s more for the opportunities a different future holds... with someone else.

We’ve been talking a lot, and things are at a standstill. She talks about me and The Other Man getting along well enough to co-parent in comfort, if nothing else. If that doesn’t work, she’s in the position where she’ll have to choose between us, which is not a position I ever wanted to put her in. Really, if he was comfortable with the two of us continuing to live together and be close, I wouldn’t mind whatever role he wants to play in her life.

Alas, not going to happen. He’s monogamous and does not like me. So we’re at an impasse.

I’m making an effort to get to know him, if nothing else. I have a chronic condition in which I want to get along with everyone. Likewise, for her sake, The Other Man is making an effort to see me in a different light... I think.

I don’t know where any of this goes. What kind of future this leads to. Even if he and I become the best of friends, I still never signed up to co-parent with the guy. He’s apparently forming a bond with my daughter, and while I don’t necessarily mind that (more people to dote on my kid is a good thing, in my books) I don’t know what values he’s bringing to the table. I don’t know how, or if, our views mesh.

So that’s where I’m living. In this odd limbo in which everything is stressful and no one is happy.

Additionally, I’m sick. I’ve quarantined myself since my fever and common cold symptoms do, technically, line up with the coronavirus, and there have been cases in Toronto. I actually fainted on Saturday, and woke up with my kid on my chest, clearly wondering what the hell I was doing sleeping during play time.

My other partner shares the apartment with us, and went back to their mother’s place to escape the horrible environment at home. I’m actually glad for that right now, because they’re on immuno-suppressants and would absolutely catch whatever virus I’ve got. The bottom line is, though...

I’m very alone.

I have my toddler, and I’m taking care of her alone. I’m looking at a future in which I might continue to do so. If I’m fought for custody, I will almost certainly lose, due to my various disabilities and the lack of a ‘conventional family’ set-up. I don’t know what to expect, whether or not to hope things can shift back on track.

She chose me once, over an abusive ex who gave her an ultimatum. If The Other Man has all the good in him she says he does, what do I have to offer that he can’t provide?

Deep down, I don’t think I’m worth choosing.