Completionist; January 24 2024

One second, I just have to scream about this book:

Go read The Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean. That was awesome.

You know what else is awesome? Having the time to read again – because I’ve finished the first draft of the book I’ve been working on, tentatively titled Bedbugs. It’s about a single father whose daughter goes missing as his apartment gets infested with strange insects and his phone keeps blowing up with pictures of her. It’s an adult horror, and I had a lot of fun with it! …Except the parts that hit me too close to home, I suppose.

Take my advice: think it over, really think it over, before you write a book based on your own biggest fears. It was a time.

I’m feeling really good this past couple of weeks. My progress on my book aside, I’ve realised at last what self-care looks like for me. I’m back in therapy, and they specialise in psychosis and managing the symptoms. It’s wound up helping me explore ways of dealing with my PTSD, as well. It makes sense; they’re linked, and in tackling one section of all the bad build-up in my brain, I’m easing some of the mess in other areas. You know?

Anyway, we were talking about self-care and reframing what it means to me. I tend to think of self-care as ‘relaxing’, which I am notoriously bad at doing. I can’t meditate without having an anxiety attack, I don’t like stewing in a bath, I feel guilty playing video games or napping when there’s stuff to get done.

Which is when it hit me that being productive? That is my self-care.

When I was a teenager, I’d occasionally ‘snap’ and go on cleaning frenzies. I had an mp3 player that I used to put on a classical radio station, put my hair up, and just scrub at things. It shut my brain off. I felt useful.

These days, when I tidy up, it’s either a stressful affair or it has the same impact on me as what I just described. When I clean/am productive but also doing it for the sake of doing it, not because it ‘has to be done’… I let go of stress. And, perks, I generally have a baked good or a cleaner house because of it.

Because baking is also a fun self-care thing I do now! If I’d told a younger me that I’d ever enjoy cooking in any format, I would’ve assumed we’d been brainwashed. But baking has a finished product I can share with my loved ones, and I love that.

I also realised that I need to read more. I was a voracious reader as a kid. When I made writing my career, reading became a chore – it was something I felt I had to do in order to expand my brain, flex those writer-muscles as I analysed everything I liked, everything I thought needed work. But once again, when I let myself read because it’s something I want to do (and god, do I have so many books I want to read), I breathe. That’s how I relax.

And I’m still getting inspired and doing something that benefits me in my job, so it feels productive, too. Finishing a book is a clear-cut goal. It works so well.

What do y’all do to take care of yourselves? Got any ideas for me to unwind, too?