You Don't Scare Me; October 30 2024

Halloween! It’s tomorrow, and we’ve got our décor out, the candy ready, and costumes prepared. I plan on being the Grim Reaper; after deliberation, my kid is being a werewolf. The weather forecast is great, and I’ve got a friend coming to Trick-or-Treat with us. It’s gonna be grand.

Originally, my kid planned on being Hello Kitty (which means I have that costume handy too) but insisted a couple of weeks ago that she wanted to be something scary. She’s been really fixated on that, too – scary costumes, scary decorations. She’s leaning into it hard, even as the things we’re doing actively creep her out.

I don’t remember being scared of much, as a child. I actually recall one day in sixth grade in which we were watching a movie about space exploration, and I had the still-memorable thought: ‘Maybe I can be afraid of space.’

That didn’t stick, sadly(?). Space is cool.

I’ve developed phobias since then, but I have those in a different classification than ‘fears’. Phobias evoke an immediate physical repulsion, my brain’s refusal to engage. Fears, I swell on. Fears are what keep you up at night. I have fears, now.

One of the weirdest things I had to contend with after my kid was born was the fear of death. I’d never been scared of dying, before having her. This wasn’t to say I was reckless or anything, it was just something I was totally comfortable with. Obviously, mental illness probably played its part in that… But it all changed when my kid was born, and I realized that she wouldn’t be able to move on if something happened to me. Not at her age. It would alter the course of her life, her psyche, and I didn’t want that to happen. I developed a keen fear of no longer being in her life, and that bled into a more natural fear of death.

I fear a lot of other practical things, too. Stuff like bankruptcy, losing my home, Donald Trump being elected President again. But overall? I’m still pretty hard to scare.

I think that’s to my detriment as a horror author. They say ‘write what scares you’, and I think I manage, but a broader scope of fears would give me even more stories to tell. I’ll have to think on that!

Hope none of you are facing anything scary, so that your Halloween is a happy one!